Sunday, February 19, 2012

Nice And Pink

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about some of the issues that have prompted me to place a big fat question mark over my Mental Health and I ask myself.. am I well recovered?  And how well did I  'cope' back then?

It's mid afternoon in the intensive care unit but to me it could be any time of day. See I can't turn my attention to the day time skies because I'm busy you see, being a Mum.

Only I'm not having a cuddle or changing a nappy because that would be too dangerous. No I'm watching my baby through a clear plastic box, I'm watching her chest rise and fall.

If I avert my gaze ever so slightly I can see her numbers. But I mustn't be seen. Looking at numbers, it's not 'My Job' I should “look at the baby.”

The numbers sway this way, they sway that way,

they go down,down, down and up, up, up.

Wait, she seems still, is she moving? The numbers plummet and the alarms sound.

Come quick someone!

Stimulation.

Oxygen,

Doctors

Screens?

'You might want to wait outside a minute'

Outside in the corridor I stand alone staring blankly at the reception desk. A lady picks up the telephone 'Good morning, NICU can I help?'

Doctors stride confidently down the corridors with clip boards and focused looks.

I peek through the tiny square window back into intensive care nursery, but my glance is met by the tall white screens that surround Smidge's incubator.

Beyond those screens the doctors are working on my Smidge and it's taking time. A long time...

What if...............??

I see a familiar face coming towards me from another direction. I try to catch her attention. I am unbelievably scared and frightened.

'What's wrong? She says. What is it?'

'I don't know, It's my baby... they have screens up, they sent me out, I don't know what's happening..'

'Just wait here a minute'

The fear -struck panic has overcome me, I feel as though I've just come off a fair ground ride, the world has slowed down and I feel sick, very, very sick.

But all around me the world carries on, utterly oblivious to my queezy turmoil. A receptionist strolls down the corridor and places a box of biscuits down on the reception desk and the staff gather as they contemplate the offerings of a family choice biscuit selection box..

I am aware that mentally there's only two ways I can go at this point in time, Biscuits and telephone calls or Baby resuscitation and the telephone and biscuits route seems to be winning...

Fleetingly I wonder, should I call One-day Hubby?

'What's the point?' I tell myself, 'What's the point of inflicting this on him at this moment in time?'

The Doctor reappears in the corridor.

'It's Okay' She tells me. 'She's pink now'

I take a a moment to process the words before looking up tentatively and asking 'Are you sure?'

'Yes she's stable and nice and pink now'

Tears form under my eye lids but I can't quite allow myself to feel relief. I scramble around in my brain to find the words that will express the gratitude, confusion and fear that I feel but once again they escape me, Embarrassingly I ramble 'Are you really, really sure?'

'Look at me' comes a kind but authoritative voice. 'I am a consultant, and I am telling you that she is Alright, Okay?'

'Okay, I'm sorry, I just...I..'

'It's fine,.... and look!...... You can go in and see her now'

Go in and see her... Yes, go in and see her now, of course.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Nature Verses Nurture - The Great Preemie Challenge.

Lately I've been getting more and more curious  about Preemie brain development and precisely what happens when the premature baby favours a transparent plastic box over good old fashioned womb time.

My inquisitive mind was sent in to over drive when I stumbled across this research paper which highlighted the effects of premature birth on brain development. Oh google...sometimes you really are my worst enemy.

The paper points towards the fact that along side providing good quality care, NICU nurses have an important role in  talking to parents about the potential effects of premature birth including  the increased risks of disorders such as ADHD and Autistic Spectrum Disorder.

Although inevitably there are neurological differences between babies born at term and premature babies, I was glad to see the paper made allowances for social factors, after all, many researchers will argue that there is nothing more pliable than the human brain, So I think when considering the nature verses nurture argument, it's important to get some context.






Me and One -Day Hubby 

The paper constructively suggests, that instead of banging on about how duff the preemie brain is, it might be better to talk about what can be done to maximise it's potential which I would agree to be a sensible way forward.

So all of this week and last week I've been focusing on the concept of self regulation and programming Smidge to be super smart and Clever.

Unlike Mr G, who would amuse himself for hours as a baby, whilst I tidied and cleaned around him, Smidge benefits from high level of input, whilst the house remains a complete tip.

Unlike Mr G who got a story when he whined for it. Smidge benefits from having book after book during optimal learning times throughout the day..

And unlike Mr. G who thought his middle name was 'five more minutes' Smidge thinks hers is 'Clever girl' or 'I'll be right with you'

So is this because Smidge is  favourite? no. Am I just an older, better Mother?  no.

I just read the wrong research paper.

And now..  frankly I'm  terrified that if Idon't become the nations best story- reading, turn- taking, context -creating, group- going super Mum,then one day, I might just end up with an oversized pre-schooler that I really can't cope with.

Well fellow Premmy Mum's, now my misery is your misery too... But I'm not all mean, because at least I gave  you the self regulation link so that you too can join in on the optimising fun!

See you at the library then...