Monday, November 26, 2012

He's Turned.

Apologies readers, Manic house move has prompted an online silence but I just had to pop on and let you know the  news that Mr G has turned.

It is an emotional struggle putting my finger tips to the keys and typing the sentence of doom. Every key tile pressed upon, forces me one step closer to the gut wrenching reality that I am now officially living with a teenager.

*Enters world of Harry Enfield, ginger hair and baseball caps'*

I'm not totally unprepared though because as it is well documented here at Diary Of A Premmy Mum, Mr G has been practising teenagerism in the lead up to this day for months. It's just now it is official.

On the positive side, from today, I can explain away undesirable verbal goings -ons with the  raising of ones eyebrows and quietly uttering 'teenagers' under my breath with a bit of a sigh.

To mark the occasion I let Mr G have a party in our new house. That's got to be the best way to introduce ourselves to the new neighbours...right?

High sugar nibbles and energy drinks were the cringeworthy theme, but what can you do if you dont want to look like the saddest mum on the block? was a party after all. (Cringe again)

So why was I surprised when at two in the morning the youth were still jumping around like loons, the only respite from this roudy behaviour being the intermittent periods of  lap top engagement or temporary engrossment of xbox/ play stations or other unknown sorts of gaming paraphernalia.

Inevitably, we had to separate the party up  in the early hours when noise levels reached an all time high and one unlucky teenager faced the ultimate punishment - a night in Roo's fairy bed!

Who would believe this Premmy Mum could be soooo cruel?

Which one slept under the princess canopy :) ??

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Anxiety And Pressure

It must be really hard being a NICU nurse sometimes. Trying to pitch the care of the parents at just the right level. The trouble is I suppose, every parent brings to NICU their own life story. A story that will dictate how they function under the most extreme pressure.

Obviously our childhoods, our adult lives and any experience we may have had as parent are all likely to impact on our perceptions and lets be honest there are some pretty dark realities available to engage with in the intensive care unit.

Naturally, nurses experience the unit in a very different way to parents. Years of training and mental preparation is what has enabled them to spend time there. The things they see, do and experience must be far from pleasant and surely no matter how much training they have, there must be things that will haunt them beyond their working hours.

My own experience as a parent was in itself  multi -dimensional. There was was the terrifying fear that my baby wouldn't live, there was the feeling torn between Mr G and Smidge. There was the bonding issue, and then, probably as a direct result of all the other issues was the increased anxiety and feeling like I was being judged.

See I don't think the doctors and  nurses meant to make me feel worse at all, they were all about making me feel better. I see that now. However when scribblings about my anxiety and conversations about getting counselling repeatedly came to my attention, I felt I was doing something wrong, that I had been deemed as 'coping really badly'

Every time such issues were mentioned in a bid to offer support, I became immediately defensive. 'Anxiety? What Anxiety?' I took it to mean I was failing.

I guess it stems from the fact that I come from a 'pick yourself up and get on with it' sort of family, so the suggestion that I might be anxious was not received very well at all. This, in turn made me feel very isolated because I genuinely had no idea that was it okay to be worried. I assumed that my constant questions, fear and worry was making peoples jobs harder and they just wanted to divert me to a counsellor so I stopped taking up their time.

About three months in to my journey, I'd heard so much about the anxiety and counselling that I decided I wanted to bring the whole thing to a head. I felt very misunderstood. I wanted to shout at every nurse and doctor who had ever cared for Smidge and say.

'Don't you get it?? There is a VERY sick baby there...why does this have to be about my anxiety? Surely it's about the baby I've watched turn blue, gray purple and white more often than anyone should see a baby turn blue,gray, purple or white.'

Or in one day Hubby's words.. You wouldn't go up to somebody in a war zone and say 'You're looking a little anxious there....' would you? It just doesn't seem appropriate for the circumstances.

I guess what it boils down to is this.

It was important to me that I was perceived to be coping. To be told I was doing well would have gone a long, long way.

To be reminded there is no right or wrong way to be or behave in these situations would have been sanity saving.

When I finally did sit down and read my notes with a doctor and a nurse, I told them in no certain terms that I found all this 'anxiety +++' malarkey extremely upsetting and asked them why it was noted.

The nurse said  "It's because we recognise that this is an anxious situation"

And that was the very first time it occurred to me that  it might be okay to be anxious.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Pass on the Lurve.. twice...!!

Well just the other day I participated in my first ever blogging meme where I was forced, yes forced to name but one blogger that I loved the best.

Since then I've been plagued with bloggy guilt and have been left with no alternative but to break the rules and submit not one, but two posts to Anecdotes of a manic Mum's Linky because it would be absolutely criminal to let another day pass with out me expressing my heart felt appreciation for the lovely Christina over at Beadzoid

See when you first start out in this blogging game, you look around for a bit of support as it's not easy putting yourself out there, strutting your bloggy stuff. So you can imagine how pleased I was to receive my first ever blogger comment from Christina, who was, at the time coming to terms with her own NICU experience.

Since then, Beadzoids blog has taken on a new tone, which is massively inspiring to someone like me. She writes about all sorts of things  relating to society and culture and often has me roaring with laughter with her down to earth accounts of life as she sees it. She's a girl who likes to keep things real and not being one to fluff things up myself, I simply adore her style.

In addition to writing a fab blog she is also really kind lady and can often  be found in times of need via a little square box on facebook.

In this box I have downed many a glass of wine and chatted openly with Christina and one day would love to meet up with her and get totally trashed to know her better.

In the meanwhile, she is right up there with the best of the bezzies in the blogosphere...

Cheers Beadzoid!! :D

Do you have a brilliant bloggy friend who you really appreciate? Check out Anecdotes of Manic Mum's fabulous linky and spread the lurve...

Monday, November 5, 2012

The Mother Fail.

I am an awful Mother..

No, don't tell me I'm not, well you can actually you can in a minute after I've told you how awful I am, or tell me that I am not alone in my awfulness if you like. However, nothing can take away from  the beastly  bare faced truth that I  am failing epically at parenting the pre teen.

Not him, he's not the failure, It's me.. The Mother One and as I see streaks of the overworked, overtired mum from my own child hood come forward in scary proportions, I realise that the choices I make as a parent do not automatically make me the most patient and understanding carer.

I chose stay at home Mumism because throughout my own upbringing, circumstances forced my own Mum to work herself in to the ground. Understandably, in the little time she had left, she needed to relax and there was little time to do the things other families take for granted such as days out, or evenings together doing something fun.

I vowed the same thing would never happen to me, that when I worked it would manageable hours so there was always time for the children. I would be there to collect them from school. I would sit at the end of the bed and have long communicative chats at bedtime. The biscuit tin would always be full in my house and people wouldn't be running around the house half naked first thing in the morning screaming that they cant find matching socks.

And I never did return to full time work after Mr G was born and didnt start part time until he was at pre school. When I did, nine times out of ten I was there at 3.30 to collect him from school. The paired socks, custard creams and long understanding chats didn't materialise quite as well as I hoped but hell, the intention was there.

Now I have Smidge too and all I do is stay at home, (minus a bit of social media work) But it's not time consuming, yet I am still a ranter. I am still a get out of bed late an utterly disorganised, Shouty Mother who blames her pre teen for springing a school trip on her at 8.00 in the morning.

'I gave you the letter weeks ago' says the pre-teen, glaring at me as I wipe sleepy dust out of my eyes.

'It's your fault, not mine'

God it's true. It's all true.

I need to change. I need be a better more organised, less ranty stay at home Mum, who isn't late for school. who makes her pre teens happiness the most important thing. However, when things are going wrong and I am faced with the jaw dropping face of a hormonal pre-teen, when I am presented with the conceited tones of a moody adolescent......I am far less than perfect. I am actually everything about Motherhood that I don't want and I just know the attitude phase is only just beginning.

So I need to learn to to be nice even when I feel like being evil.

Any ideas on how to do this would be greatly appreciated.


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Pass on the Lurve...

I'm not usually one to participate in meme's and nearly always end up with a bit of the old blogger guilt for being something of a spoil sport and not joining in. However when I saw this fabulous linky arranged by Anecodotes of a manic Mum I simply couldn't resist the opportunity to Spread the Luuuurve.

Rather fabulously, Manic Mum has asked fellow bloggers to say nice things about other bloggers and in particular, about one extra special blogger who is wholly brilliant and utterly champion.

Well when faced with this challenge, I was a little bit stumped really, as there are soooo many awesome bloggy friends to choose from. I love reading others' blogs and love it even more just as much if they take the time to read mine.

There is so much more to being a good blogger than just writing your own blog  and the bloggers that I love best  are true socialites and can be seen everywhere, not just in their own corner of cyber space.

My very favourite blogger would have to be Amy mouse over at Nearly Everything But The Kitchen Sink. We had never 'met' until she had started blogging back in September 2011, However I felt an instant connection with her as she is smart, funny, down to earth and clever too. Although she would deny all knowledge of being any of these things.

With us both being Mum's to ex premature baby's (who have both suffered numerous frightful hospital re-admissions on account of it) We have blogged, bantered and broadcasted all sorts of issues across the world wide web.

I think Amy mouse is the one other person who truly understands what it is to live through your worst nightmare time and time again and how it feels to have your worst nightmare sneak up on you when you kind of do expect it.... but never actually get used to it. I believe our reflections help one another in some way, even though each of our experiences are of course unique and could never be fully the same.

I also love Amymouse's adaptability, her upbeat and hilarious comments on twitter and on other peoples blogs too. In addition to bringing humour where needed she is also  perceptive and sensitive and has kind words for everyone.

If one day, I finally do get to meet Amy mouse, it may actually be quite strange as it's not every day you meet a complete stranger who knows you really quite well and that could be sort of weird... but still, I look forward to it anyway and for now I'm just happy to have a really ace and totally lovely cyber friend :)