Dirty Little Secret

It may come as a surprise to some of you that Smidge, at the grand old age of nine and half months is still being monitored by a portable apnoea monitor, 'borrowed' from the unit.

Now we all know that hospitals don't discharge babies that need to be monitored so what happened?

Did I steal it?

Did I purchase it on ebay?

Did I offer the consultant sexual favours in exchange for the loan of it?

 No. I simply acted my normal barking mad self and refused to take baby home without one in tow.

Actually I'm quite proud of how far I've come with regard to weaning myself off of it. I can look back and laugh at that day we put Smidge in the car, me sat there staring frantically at intermittent flashing orange light, my hands cupped around it to prevent the sun light from 'skewing the clinical picture.'

Ha,ha,ha,ha,Yes we've come a long way since then, Nowadays I look for dusky blue areas around her eyes and lips instead, I look at the way her chest rises and falls and seek to detect the heat of her warm breath against my skin.

And I am proud to say we have now reached the stage where she only gets 'plugged in' when she's sleeping or on very long journeys.

I have to admit feeling a little guilty at times, when other people clock it and they think that there’s actually something wrong with Smidge and then I have to explain embarrassingly, that actually the problem is mine and not hers.

Now, at the risk of sounding like I have Münchhausen’s by proxy, I am going to attempt to justify why I feel it has been necessary to keep Smidge on a monitor to date:

• She has Chronic lung disease. Now although this is one of those ailments that thankfully sounds a great deal worse than it is, Smidge's lungs are none the less under developed which could cause her breathing problems.

• Premature babies are four times more likely to die of cot death than babies born at term.

• I am less likely to kill us in a traffic collision due to watching her and not the road.

• I need my sleep, like really need my sleep.

So there you have it, what lays beneath the snuggled appearance of the soft pink baby grow,A plastic wire and a circular sensor.That is naked truth. Be it sad, mad or bad.