Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Hard Lump To Swallow

This Blog has turned tragic. My life has turned tragic. I didn't want it to, It just sort of happened and now I'm like a victim who wonders around trauma-ville stuck in a rut.

Smidge has steadily started to improve over the last day or so. She did spend the day pale faced and crying but thank goodness for small mercies, we haven't had any more fits.
She's also had her last canula removed this morning so those tiny feet can pitter-patter the hospital corridors once more.

What I'm struggling with right now is the idea of taking her home. Every time the 'H' word is mentioned my stomach does a little flit and I find myself wanting an unobtainable double vodka probably without any coke.

Can you imagine not wanting to take your own baby home?

Can you Imagine feeling so scared that even if a double vodka without any coke was available you probably wouldn't drink it because you'd be too scared ?

It's ridiculous I know! but I am stupidly fearful that Smidge is going to pull another number on me and if she does what would I do?

From what I understand, there is a 33% chance that this fitting of hers could turn in to something of a habit. If it does, the advice I've been given is to call an ambulance.

I know I have to move past this latest hurdle and I so, so want to but I'm feeling a little ill equipped to deal with any future incidents.

Then there is the emotional side. Right now I'm in auto-pilot mode, just doing and not really thinking. What if it all comes tumbling out and I go slightly (more) crazy?

Last week (when I thought respiratory distress was a serious problem) I had a lovely long chat with a doctor who was kind enough to entertain my anxious ramblings.
A kindly man, he advised me that I couldn't live my life in fear, fretting over the worst. That I should trust that I will know when to get help, when to bring Smidge to hospital...that I wouldn't leave it too late...

'You could live your life like that...' he said 'but you'd drive yourself mad and it would never be worth it'

But this is my life as a Premmy Mum.

This is my Smidge. (well for now anyway)

and this Premmy Mum is just going to have to try to find a way to accept it.


  1. Lots of hugs and wishes and fingers being crossed for you. Glad to hear Smidge is on the up, but I think I can understand your fear and reluctance in bringing her home. Lots of love xxx

    1. Thanks beadzoid, yeah it's like leaving NICU all over again ;(

  2. Hi,

    My daughter had her first seizure at 8 months, it was terrifying, hers were non febrile and eventually she was diagnosed with childhood epilepsy. I remember the fear of not wanting to leave the hospital and I remember her first seizure after leaving. I coped better because I was better informed knew what to so and I called 999 immediatly. I vM understand your fear and after tour journey this must feel like a right kick in the Arse but from all I have read today I think you will cope incredibly well.
    My advice is to question every doctor about what to do, we were given a drug to give her if her fits went on but to be honest we just called an ambulance. Stay strong fingers crossed you never have another. Jane x

  3. Thanks Jane.
    I have asked the doctors lots of questions, (they are actually getting better at edging out the door) I tried getting the drug out of them too but they wernt so keen.. Think I'm going to go with the ambulance idea in the future. Although I expect they'll see me in the a&e waiting room the next time smidge has a blocked up nose. Oh why did we sell our camper van??

    1. Don't worry me and bb are regulars at a and e, in fact that is where I commented from last time, hence poor spelling.

      We read a lot about the rectal diazepan and it can slow your heart rate and breathing down so not surprised they were reluctant with smidge.

      Well done on your mads nomination x

    2. Thanks Jane.. I'm a newbie to all this fitting malarky so your support is appreciated! Congratualtions to you on getting in the finals too! :D