Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Febrile And The NICU Garden.

Not so long ago, before Febrile came in to our lives, I wrote a post about trying to move on from the whole NICU saga. You can read about it here.

I'm a great believer you see, that thought creates reality, or at least I used to be until reality started to create thought, then it all changed.

Putting things behind me and moving on..It's still on the agenda, however  recent events seem to have set me back and that pesky Febrile just won't leave me alone.

Take the other day for example, I popped down to the supermarket to pick up some veg and mid-way through selecting a sweet potato, Febrile popped in to my head. I reached in to my bag, pulled out my phone and rang  One Day Hubby. The conversation went like this.

ME: 'Hi, it's me, is Smidge okay?'

ONE DAY HUBBY: 'Er Yes...Why?'

ME: 'I just wondered..is she hot?'

ONE DAY HUBBY: 'No...Why?'

ME:'I just wondered..'


ME: 'Pardon?'

ONE DAY HUBBY:'Why did you wonder?' (a bit louder)

ME:'Because I was feeling anxious (quietly)


ME:'Because I was feeling anxious'  (slightly louder with shady look on face)


ME:'We'll talk about it when I get home'

ONE DAY HUBBY:'What do we need to talk about when you get home? was there something wrong with Smidge?'

ME: 'No....its just me!' *blushes*

ONE DAY HUBBY:'What's wrong with you?'

ME: 'Nothing'

ONE DAY HUBBY: 'What's wrong with Smidge?'

ME: 'Nothing'

ONE DAY HUBBY: 'Every things okay then?'

ME 'Yes, every things Okay'

ONE DAY HUBBY: 'Okay then....'

So sometimes, the fear, it takes me over. It's like the weed that will not disappear. It's wildly out of control  creeping out through the smallest of cracks. It's stalks are thick and stubborn and even if I cut it down with garden sheers and spray it away with weed killer, it's there, lurking in the background,waiting to recreate itself in all sorts of ways.

The weeds in the NICU garden, they are plentiful and need no attention to thrive.

The weeds in the NICU garden will willingly pop up through the flower beds and overwhelm everything that's beautiful.

And all that is pretty in the NICU garden, the vibrant flowers and plants, they don't thrive all alone, they need time,care and attention.

But if each time I'm the NICU garden, I just kill the weeds, then nothing else will grow.nothing else will be nurtured, nothing else will thrive.

And sweet potato shopping wont get any easier either, that's for sure.


  1. Great post. I am getting better now gemma is 2 but text regularly for updates when my mum,sister or hubby have her. As if they have nothing better to do! I am sure the fear will always be there tho.
    I was out yesterday and the nursery called and I jumped out my skin,like the feared call from nicu.gemma was sat beside me and call about fees. Felt a wally,my family thought I was nuts!
    I watched great Ormond st without sobbing so a huge improvement!

    1. I know what you mean gem, I am much like that, I'm scared of my own shadow sometimes!
      On a slightly different note, I don't know why but your comments don't seem to Publish very easily, it's really annoying as I really appreciate your contributions, am doing my best to rectify this problem x