A few times now I have attempted to put together a compilation film of Smidge's stay in the NICU.
Even back then I knew that whatever the outcome, I would want to keep a record of her journey so I took regular films of her throughout her stay.
The difficulty I have though is that I am finding it so hard.
You see back then, on my car journey to the hospital each day I used to listen to this one song. It seemed to sum up perfectly the way I felt and each time I played it I knew it would make the perfect backing track for the film I would one day put together.
When hearing it I used to imagine two endings to the film. One was us carrying a miracle baby out of the hospital in a car seat, and the other... well we wont go there.
I know that we got the ending that we dared not to hope for.
I know that I am truly truly blessed.
But every time I play this song combined with the footage I've taken, it is as though I experience the fear and uncertainty like never before.
A part of me thinks that this is healthy because for so long I didn’t allow myself to feel scared.
It's strange because at the time I knew I was terrified. But it was like I experienced this fear on an intellectual level rather than emotionally.I suppose I just thought that to allow myself to feel frightened it might cause me to lose the plot so I denied myself the opportunity to experience such a loss of control.
Now that I have my Smidge home, the images of her so poorly and helpless are bringing up more feelings than ever have before.
When I look at the images now I see her, My beautiful spirited baby girl and it actually it hurts more!
And I suppose what I'm realising as I am writing this post is that I found it very hard to see her character, her spirit and who she was as a person when she was so small, so sick and so fragile.
As I watch her grow and her character emerge the emotions of joy and relief are unstoppable as my love for her knows no boundaries..
I do want to make the film with the happy ending. The one I dared not to hope for.
I do want to explore the feeling of the fear the pain and the uncertainty.
but the bond we now share and the joy it brings deserves its chance to flourish.
Like a double edged sword the NICU experience has both given and taken so much,
Without the fear,the uncertainty and pain I wouldn't have this wonderful baby girl.
But just for the moment I’d like to start from the end and enjoy the beautiful new being I have grown to adore x