Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Dry Eyes And Six Real Tears

Do you know not yesterday but the day before I produced six REAL nicu- related tears? Quite an achievement for the emotionally redundant I’m sure you’ll all agree.

Especially given that over the past week or so I’ve been freaking out a bit that I might be ever -so -slightly affected by the dreaded PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Ever since I found out about this disorder, it’s been post-traumatic this and post traumatic that..  And in the end I’ve just had to take heed and admit I’ve always been a bit of a stress head, It’s in my nature, It’s just that now I have a reason for it. That’s all.

It’s fair to say that like most people, I’ve always had the occasional ‘off day’ You know the ‘I’m going to stay in my pyjamas all day, eat leads of chocolate and cry because I feel like a frumpy old whale with no purpose’ kind of day, but never in all my time have I ever suffered with dry eyes.

So Dry Eyes is new to me but I’ve been thinking a lot about it and have come to believe it is an unfortunate side effect from having to be strong for too long.

Dry eyes are what happen when there are just too many lumps to swallow and from seeing things you never ever thought you’d have to see and never had the time to prepare for.

Dry eyes happen when you find yourself in a world that you never knew existed, that comes at you so fast, so technical, so intense.

A medical world full of bleeps, tubes and experts.. all riding the wave of change.

And you have to keep those dry eyes because that world isn’t going to disappear. Not for a very long time.

And if you are VERY very lucky. Then one day you can leave the dry eyed world with a baby, a lovely little baby..

Who will learn to coo and gurgle.

Who will make you smile again with her gummy grins and shining bright eyes.

And lovely little babies make you feel what it’s really like to be a mummy, and agree with you that they  looked really silly in all that plastic stuff, They  help you to feel happy and proud and human  and ultimately enable you to produce..

Six REAL Tears!

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