Sunday, April 15, 2012

Chasing The Fear

I think people can go a number of ways after stepping off the Neonatal Rollarcoaster. They can walk and keep on walking, and never look back....

They can walk and look back fleetingly with a shudder of fear.

Or they can walk and they can talk.

You might have guessed that I'm the latter. I'm a stroller, a walker and a talker.

I've stayed close to the other passengers, the ones that didn't quicken their pace.

I've listened to their fears and worried about their worries. I've drank tea, (too much tea) Ive bereaved, blogged, bantered and blamed.

I've immersed myself back into a world that I did not understand, I've re-lived what happened with my feet touching the ground. Ive needed to do that, needed to understand and process and what has happened to my family.

But there comes a point when I have to ask myself am I doing myself more harm than good?

Of course, it is always wonderful to find someone else who understands where you've been, what you've been through. There were times when I felt truly alone during the NICU, and my virtual and non-virtual friends have been a great source of support to me since then in helping me to come to terms with that.

But what I'm mindful of now, is letting the experience hold me back. Enabling it to consume me, to over shadow the good things that have happened. For example the fact that Smidge is here, alive and cuter than cute.

If I'm being totally honest, I think I've been scared. Scared to stop and enjoy everything that is, for fear that everything that was will come crashing down around me.

But do you know, Smidge and I have rather enjoyed going out under our alias identity as a non-premmy family and its made me understand the cyclic-le nature of the pattern that I'm in.

I can't promise I won't blog about the NICU, I'm not there yet.

What I'm saying is, I need to start thinking about moving on....

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